It started with “I feel fat”
Then the spiraling happened
I don’t remember exactly when it hit me,
I wanted to make myself thinner
So I would eat paper for dinner
And soon all I could feel were just the bones in my body
His voice still rings into my ears,
In the middle of the night amidst my deepest fears,
“Babe, what would you change about yourself?”
I would look in the mirror and all I saw were flaws
Small breasts, thin lips,
“Do you feel your bones when you sit?” – They said.
I’m not pretty?
I’m not pretty enough for him?
I need to change.
I must look like them.
His Instagram models,
I must wear a bikini even when I’m not going for a swim,
I must dress sexy so he wouldn’t drool over the other girls,
I must be his trophy.
“I would always choose the island where the pretty girls are” – He said
I would look at lip plumping kits on Amazon,
I would google “best plastic surgeon in town”
I would do 100 squats at the gym,
But will I ever be pretty enough for him?
Angela B Spragg
I don’t want a fat daughter, cries out stepmother.
When I am in the kitchen, “Keep away from the biscuit jar,” screams out the nutter,
I am teased at school for being too thin,
My school nurse is concerned but there is no win,
Thin, Thin, Thin is all I hear,
All this noise is often hard to bare,
A girl of twelve needs to thrive,
Not focus on food and size to strife,
Eventually, I scum to believe that thin is win,
Whilst my growing body is struggling to grow and have its fill,
I nourish my starvation by thinking thin is strong,
All around me praise my thin and it’s not wrong,
Thin daughter I shall be to make my family proud,
If thin is win then I must carry on un-frowned,
My body is weak and my hunger is high,
I mustn’t show this weakness, or soon I will die.
What did I learn I heard you say?
I learned to love myself in the best possible way.
I learned to say “I love you” no matter what flaws I see.
These imperfections are not a reflection of me.
They are there to show my battle scars and the conquest I overcame.
Through fire and brimstone, my battle was won.
For who you see standing right before you is a woman that was once broken and had no love or faith in herself.
But, once she broke out of the chains that bound her, she learned to fly like a beautiful dove.
She has let the winds carry her way up above and has she soared higher towards the clouds. The shroud of low self-esteem and self-hatred simply melted and faded away into the distance never to be seen or heard. Just simply gone away.
I am that woman today, who broke free,
I don’t need your validation, I keep my chin up,
Whatever you may think, I am and will be enough!