1st of March, 2020
Morning 11 AM
Did you know when Jesus chose his 12 disciples, he knew that one of them was the devil, one was Judas? Yet he sat with them all and broke bread still. Even when you do bad things, Christ still loves you and that you can always change; there’s always room for change…
“I don’t understand how that’s relevant to your current situation,” my therapist gave me a surprised look.
Well, I ain’t no Jesus. I couldn’t change a man nor I could keep breaking bread with the Devil.
“Well, that’s a very good analogy but when are you going to talk to your father?”
And what should I tell him? Hey, Dad, I fell for the wrong man once again. I know I promised after 2015 I’d be more careful but I’ve been fooled, once again. I don’t see how he’d be thrilled to hear it. Another look of utter disappointment and disgrace. He’d somehow figure out a way to make me believe that it was all my fault and maybe it was!
“It wasn’t your fault, Anamika, you couldn’t have known”
I did. I knew. I just stayed. I couldn’t walk away, I thought he’d change.
“People do change”
I scoffed and said, You really believe that, don’t you? You think people who lack integrity only lack it in their relationship and not in every aspect of life? He never apologized, he has no compassion, no conscience.
“You’re describing a sociopath, was he a sociopath?”
I don’t know how to identify a sociopath, that’s your job. Maybe I was just a bad girlfriend…
I made a gesture to stop her and continued: I was a bad girlfriend. I made the bed every morning, made him breakfast, smiled when he left for work, cried in the shower, cried in my sleep, cried on the couch. I’m just not enough you know, don’t have the big brains so I wasn’t enough for my father, don’t have the big breasts so I wasn’t enough for my last partner.
“Where do you think this is all coming from? Constantly belittling yourself, this “not being enough” theory? You have to speak to your father. No matter what he’ll understand, he loves you…”
Then how come he never says it? I shrugged.
“Because he doesn’t know how much you want to hear it. I’m sure he’s proud of you even though he doesn’t say it; you’re doing remarkably well in life”
I’m working for an egomaniac.
“I thought you were working with him for the betterment of…”
What’s the difference?
“If you’re working for him then you’re answerable to him, if you’re working with him, you’re both equally responsible.”
We’re both equally responsible yet I’m answerable to him, what does that make me?
“You need to be more clear on your terms with him”
Do you know about this flu?
“Which flu? The Wuhan flu?”
Yeah! It’s gonna get bad, real bad.
“Some things are beyond our control but some things we can control. What are you doing for your Birthday?”
I planned New York.
“That’s great, you’ve always wanted to visit”
Yeah! Such a dream. Do you know about another dream of mine? I thought we’d be like one of those power couples you know, those interracial motivational speakers, we’d make the world a better place. I thought he’d be the white Barack to my brown Michelle or John to my Pocahontas!
“You left him because you wanted to be happy, how come you’re not happy?”
Nobody wants to believe I was cheated on. They think I’ve got issues.
I paused to hear a response but there wasn’t any so I continued.
You’re quiet. You believe them… You think it goes back to my childhood and my father… I texted him to call me when Dad was sick. He was “having lunch” with his friends in Greece and he couldn’t spare 5 minutes to speak with me. I was so scared yet I vouched for that man, for a year.
I added while sobbing: I just hope he doesn’t do it to another one. I was fooled by a 41-year-old, I see how experience counts!
“If you could meet him and say one sentence, one sentence only, what would you say?”
I took my time and pulled myself together. After a few deep sighs, I replied: I wish you’d see me the way I wanted you to see me.
1st of March, 2020
Evening 07:30 PM
I didn’t hesitate to ring his doorbell, not even once, not after everything that we’ve been through, not after how badly I treated him because I knew he’d be there. He has always been there! I didn’t waste a second after he opened the door. I pulled him close, closer…
You’re still too tall for me, pick me up!
As he picked me up, I crawled him as a fern would on a doorway. We kissed for minutes…
Take me out for Schwarzwälder Kirschtorte!
He smiled and said: “Your pronunciation has improved”
Yeah! I just finished Dark. Hey, take me out on a date. Let’s start over like we don’t know each other, we never met. I’m sorry for what I’ve done, I don’t wanna be a monster. Am I too late?
You see my 51st date wasn’t someone I was meeting for the first time; it was someone I should’ve chosen a year ago. He was always the John to my Pocahontas, I just couldn’t see it.