Listen to the Spoken Word version of this
Hello John! How’re you? How’s everything? I know these are trying times; I hope everyone is okay. It’s not that I haven’t written a number of paragraphs & letters to you already, this one’s special. You see, I didn’t understand a lot of things when I was with you, things that I understand now. I didn’t sabotage what we had, I thought I did. For the longest time I regretted noticing that notification on your phone, I thought I ruined everything by discovering your truth. You made me believe that. I thought you’d come around, you’d want to come back to Nami; you’d change, I waited. But, I was losing myself. I was becoming this bitter, insecure, sad, toxic, and lost woman, whom I didn’t recognize. Did I ask a lot from you? Your love, attention, loyalty; I wanted you to be proud of me. I thought you’d be honest, I thought you’d apologize. I didn’t want to believe in the things they said you did but deep down I knew they were right. I was embarrassed to admit that I had known it all along but “my John loves me, you don’t understand! People love in different ways and his love for me is different.” But, that wasn’t love at all, now was it John? I was just available, naive, accessible- That’s how you made me feel. You saw all your options and you wanted to have them all but you forgot something- I was surrounded by the likes of people you were chasing, I was wanted, I was loved, I was adored but I chose you! Time and again. I wanted to give myself just to you. You took someone’s place but you took it for granted. You took me for granted, you took my love for granted. I was planning our future when you were partying the night away. No, I didn’t want to stop you from living your life, I wanted you to have your freedom and do the things you wanted to do but remember when I did the same, you felt bad! I just wanted to be honest with you, I thought we were a team. I was forcing myself to do all those things, I’m not a party girl, you know that I’m boring John. I like to read, write, and do my taxes. No, you weren’t losing the lady in the streets, the freak in the sheets, she still exists but she was withdrawn because she didn’t recognize you anymore. She didn’t understand how you never made any efforts when she was trying her best. She didn’t understand how you said you loved her but went on and kept hurting her like that.
Anyways, it’s all in the past now, I hope you’re happy and you’ve found someone you truly like. I hope to find someone too, someone who will love me for who I am, someone who will kiss my scars instead of asking me to get them removed, someone who will not bring up plastic surgery as a joke (let’s be honest, it’s not funny John), someone who will respect me, someone who will love to read my poems, someone who will not make me feel insecure. I love the way I am John! I always have, no, I don’t want to change anything about me even if you give me $10,000. I have learned to love my small breasts and hips and my tiny waist, it was a struggle, it took me a while but here I am. I hope the next one will see the true Anamika who cries watching puppy videos, who wants to help people, who loves telling stories, who wants to be a pretty bride, who wants a beach wedding, and a daughter she can teach ballet to. I hope your lover makes you happy, I hope she understands you because I never could. I’m sorry I was a little rough on the last text but I was hurt, I was broken and I had to do it or else I’d have never been able to love myself again. You see, I had lost all my self-esteem. I will always remember the good times, I will always remember our Miyajima day & our Istanbul trip, I still remember getting lost in Japan and you found me in the middle of the night, I will remember our beach-walks and breakfast politics, I will remember our quizzes but I was in so much of pain John, you couldn’t see it. My dreams were shattered, my perception was altered and my faith was shaken. I just couldn’t trust you anymore. We’re in different places now, doing different things and I wish you all the success in the world, I pray for your happiness and health. Thank you for teaching me some really important lessons John; they’ve helped me become stronger.
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