I’m doing okay during COVID-19 and I’m not guilty

I'm Okay During COVID-19 and Not Guilty

I just eavesdropped on my neighbor this evening; he was crying on the phone. Although the conversation was in Marathi (the regional language here) I could understand he was speaking to his employer and there was something about not being paid. He was crying because he couldn’t pay his rent this month and he won’t be able to pay it next month as well so naturally, he’ll be kicked out. He lives with his family of 4 in a 400 square feet apartment. I didn’t know how to react to that especially when I know it is not just him suffering like this, there are millions of people out there, across the globe facing the same problem.

I haven’t figured out how not to feel this guilt all the time for doing okay during COVID-19. I try to be oblivious to the situation. I don’t watch the news. I still don’t want to accept that we’re going to have to live with this indefinitely because I still go to sleep every night hoping that this is all just a bad dream.

I’ve lived the longest off my parents. They have done well in life and they have done their best to give me a life where I never had to ask twice for anything I ever wanted. Spoiled to a point where I didn’t take no for an answer and I took the liberty to not answer them for the things I did. No, I didn’t do bad things but I wish I did better things. They’ve given me all the freedom one can imagine and I never broke their trust but I have been naïve. I constantly think that I don’t deserve all of this; my father not being so proud of me helps from time to time. I know he loves me to the core, I do, but, he also makes me wonder what if he’s right? What if I am just a disappointment and there’s someone more deserving out there who’d have done great things given the resources I’ve been given in my life.

The biggest strength I have in life is that I’m always one call away from the solutions to my problems and I never have to deal with them myself. During COVID-19 people lost their jobs, people lost their loved ones, there are people out there risking their lives for the sake of others and the worst thing that happened to me was a canceled trip to New York. There are people out there whose lives have changed dramatically and in my life, I’ve just been missing going to the gym.

I know I’m not alone in my situation just like my neighbor isn’t in his situation. There is this bunch of privileged and fortunate ones out there who probably don’t appreciate it enough and maybe I am one of them too but what can I do? I haven’t stepped out of my house other than going to the grocery store thrice in three months. I’ve donated as much as I could afford to donate, what else, what else can I do?

Growing up, I had to learn that the world doesn’t stop for anyone and we’ve got to keep moving. No matter how much we want to do for the world, we can never really do enough. The world is unfair and we try to live in this illusion that everything’s great around us by doing things that make us happy temporarily. A fair & just world is not a Utopian concept, it’s a concept that challenges the equilibrium, the Yin and Yang. Hence, no matter how much it breaks my heart to see whatever’s happening around me, I have to make my peace with the fact that I have to be selfish and I have to see the joy in that; that is the only thing expected out of me, that is the only thing keeping balance.

9 thoughts on “I’m doing okay during COVID-19 and I’m not guilty

  1. it’s sad to see you say that, ‘you just have to be selfish’. this is wrong on so many levels and just makes me really furious. you’re indeed, one of the privileged ones. and i guess you would never really understand the phrase, ’empty pockets teaches us a million things’. you’ll only understand what lies on it’s surface.
    and this excuse, that no matter how much you do, it’ll never be enough, is just flawed. you’re lucidly, asking all those who are suffering to lose hope.
    it seems you’ve never felt the joy of ‘giving’. or maybe experienced it. find your joy, in giving. in bringing about a change.
    and to be really blunt, it is indeed true. if someone else who was willing and just able was blessed with the resources that you had, he would have done wonders.
    it’s also sad, that you’re the next generation that will thrive. i hope you enjoy your life, with your first world problems.

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    1. Hi Srijan, everyone has their own struggles in life and it is not pleasant to judge anyone unless you’ve walked in their shoes, that’s a terrible habit (speaking from my personal experience). I didn’t choose to be born in the family I was and I shouldn’t be made feel guilty about it just like the less privileged ones didn’t have a choice. I’m terribly sorry reading your comment, I don’t believe in bringing others down in order to feel better; my parents have taught me better. I have simply explained how I’ve done my bit and what else can I do keeping in mind that I can’t save everyone. I have depression and anxiety and I’m taught every day to take care of my mental-health and I’m doing the best I can and telling other people to do what they can but don’t go and try to save the world because you’ll be severely depressed, we can never do enough. It’s unfortunate Srijan, very unfortunate to read what you think but hopefully one day you’ll understand others’ reasons too and you’ll be more accepting of different situations/different people, there’s hope for ‘everyone’ in this world 🙂
      I pray for you and your family during these trying times.

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      1. i may have been blunt, but it’s just the truth. indeed, you’re not to blame from where you’ve come, but it also is foolish to not use the resources to its fullest that you’re blessed with. and I’m not trying to bring you down, or judge you. simply just reacting to all that you’ve put out. it’s all facts, right? so, yeah. in the end, I was rather disappointed to read all that you’ve written. but i guess, you’re just one of many out ther, who thinks this way. i understand i was harsh in my words but i cannot sugar coat all that there is to it.
        anyway, i just wish you the best. i hope you too will reflect on the same. 🙂

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      2. Hi Srijan, you were not only blunt, you were simply unreasonable. I never mentioned that I’m not using my resources for useful things, you might want to reread. I’m telling people to do what they can in the current situation but at the same time, not to lose their sanity thinking they can save everyone. To me, it’s quite funny how you can guarantee that someone else would have done “wonders” with what I’ve been blessed with, I mean how do you know he/she wouldn’t become a drug addict or an alcoholic or someone worse? Your comment was a result of misunderstanding or personal bias, I don’t know but it was negative and quite frankly it should be unwelcomed in everyone’s life because you do not realize how badly it impacts someone’s mental-health. Empty pockets teach you things, a million dollars teach you things as well – different things but equally important things for this world. I genuinely do not know where you’re coming from but I’m here to be kind to one another. I want to spread more positivity and kindness. Negative talk has no place in my life and I don’t encourage nor tolerate such behavior. I wish to educate people more on communication and mental-health because I see how it’s deeply needed. I’m here to understand everyone’s battles and struggles because rich or poor, we all have them and they deserve equal respect. I’m here to promote encouraging thoughts on my blog, not belittling, negative talks. This world is different for everyone and not everyone’s going to agree with you but negative vibes are just not welcome. ☮️

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      3. i’ve said all that i wanted to and I’ll stand by it. and you can do the same w yours. to each it’s own. and all that i said isn’t specifically ‘negative’. it is the truth. I have not ‘made up’ anything. it is based upon all that you’ve written. but feel free to call it ‘unreasonable’ and justify all that I’ve said. it is fine.
        and i have nothing against you. I’ve always spoken my heart. be it when you were writing this or something else. i mean no harm, Anamika. but you’re just wrong when it comes to this. but i don’t have to be the one to decide the same for you.
        I’d like to end this argument for this will lead us nowhere. you stick to yours and I’ll stick to mine.
        just take care.

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      4. and i guess you’re rather sensitive, so I’ll apologise for the way i said it, but for not what i said.

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