COVID-19 is the baddest & hottest bitch in town because she knows what she wants and she wants “everything”. I was one of the fortunate ones to have had the news early, of how bad it was going to get because a friend of mine was living in China at the time and he had the basic idea “this shit’s gonna go down badly”. I had told him “Relax! It’s just a flu, I think people are making a huge deal out of it.” No, I wasn’t quoting the president of the United States; I just didn’t want to believe it. I had plans, big plans. I was so caught up in my job and decision making, where I’m trying to build something important for myself that I wasn’t ready for the truth because I knew it would stall my plans if not demolish them completely.
Lying to myself didn’t start there, it was actually a while ago when I left my last partner. I only realize it now. I used to keep lying to myself all the time. I started dating again and everyone had the same question and remark. “What happened in your last relationship?” My answers weren’t satisfactory because then they would have this surprised look on their face like “He messed this up? I don’t understand. You’re freaking gorgeous.” I’m convinced nobody was ready to believe that my partner had adequate reasons to mess the relationship up but they were all trying to believe in the alternative truth where they try to figure out “what’s her crazy”
To be fair, I had no explanation of what exactly went wrong in my past relationship because I wasn’t comfortable with the truth for the longest time. It involved sucking up my ego and I didn’t want to do that on the first date so I avoided until it started to bother me.
The truth is, I wasn’t enough for my last partner. He’s the kind of guy who tagged a swimsuit model on Instagram asking her to notice him and that was a slap on my face. If she had noticed him, I would’ve been thrown out of his life which in hindsight I feel would’ve been better. I kind of wish she had noticed him, it’d have saved my time. My insecurities were not only out and about but also started growing like a weed. I was done waking up to pictures of women who’re for entertainment on a pole in Las Vegas (which is a very difficult job and I think they’re talented & gorgeous women). But, that isn’t who I am. I didn’t want another dance partner in a club or go to these naked pool parties. I’m a state dinner who didn’t exactly fit into his nightclub world. I didn’t need a man to tell me “babe, you look so sexy tonight,” I mean, I did but also someone who would sit in the front row during my TedTalk and stand beside me when I receive the Nobel Prize; be my support-system for these hypothetical situations in my head. I wanted him to be the white Barack to my brown Michelle or the John Smith to my Pocahontas. I wanted him to appreciate me for who I am, all of me. I wanted him to be proud of me, show me off but he didn’t do all of that perhaps because I didn’t look like those girls. That was eating me up alive. So, I lied to myself “he loves me,” “he’s just different”. I wanted to look like those girls and get plastic surgery but I highly doubt that would’ve stopped him. Well, then there was the biggest lie I told myself “I will change him. My love will change him. He’ll understand.” That day didn’t come. The last update I have of him is 6 months ago where he was in a resort with another woman on the other side of the planet which doesn’t make him a bad person because we had already broken up, but what makes him a bad person is he lied about it and told me that he loved me and what makes it worse that I believed him.
What exactly went wrong? Did he cheat on me? What is cheating? Is flirting on the internet cheating? Lying about it is cheating? Sleeping with other people cheating? I don’t know and I had no way to find out. I practically lost track of it all especially his lies; I was drowning in them. I remember being really harsh and texting him a long paragraph because I was furious and I was late for a meeting and I had a headache and I was typing so fast in the car…that day is a bit of a blur for me. So, you can understand that I needed 2020! More than anyone, more than anything. I needed this year. I needed to get away from all of that but here-lies the irony of life – I’m stuck in my apartment indefinitely where I’m pushed by my editor to finish this chapter of my memoir and my therapist tells me to talk more about it every day!
“Have you told him how you feel?” She asks
“Several times. Did I tell him that it bothered me? Yes! He wasn’t sorry and he didn’t think it was wrong. I was hurt, I told him”
“Do you think that he understands your hurt?”
“Doc, I called him a monster and said he was dead to me. I’m pretty sure he got the point and how does it matter anyway? If he cared about me, we wouldn’t be having this conversation.”
So, to accept the “truth” about my last relationship if I’m even allowed to call it that – He made me feel like I was not enough for him. Plain, simple, short – to quote Beyoncé “If I’m not your everything, how about I’ll be nothing?” So, I left.
I don’t know where I went wrong. I chose him carefully. He was old, mature, educated; I thought he’d understand my value but he wasn’t the one I perceived him to be. My bad that I was delusional enough to believe I could change him. I think the worst part is that I truly loved him. Hey, if he likes swimsuit models, let him be happy with them. He wasn’t the right one for me. If he was, we’d be together or he’d have said something like –
“Whoa! I think models are great. They have a tough job and they’re obviously pretty but I mean I wouldn’t want them to notice me. I’m not even on Instagram and if I were I’d not tag them on anything. I’m more fascinated by what you have to say so I’d want to read your captions, look at your pictures because good lord, you’re fucking beautiful”