Unlearning My Toxic Traits

Unlearning My Toxic Traits

October 26, 2019

Kempinski Hotel, Muscat

 

I could feel the wave of thoughts come gushing at me; before I could pause and take a deep breath, it had overcome me. I was drowning in memories. I couldn’t breathe, tears rolled down my cheeks and I wanted to give in, so, I got up from the poolside bed and walked as fast as I could to the room. I went inside the bathroom and started crying. I was finally going to do something that I should have done a year ago or 8 months ago or 6 months ago or 4 months ago or 2 weeks ago but I wasn’t crying because I had to do it, I was crying knowing very well that I wouldn’t be able to; just like I couldn’t do it a year ago or 8 months ago or 6 months ago or 4 months ago or 2 weeks ago.

 

April 30, 2020

Mumbai

 

47 days of self-isolation must teach you a lot about yourself. You learned a lot during this time but you also realized the importance of unlearning. We have never spent so much time just with ourselves; I used it to become a better version of myself. So self-confrontations were important. After a severe anxiety-attack just like the one I mentioned earlier, I came to a conclusion – I had to unlearn my own toxic traits because they were stopping me from being happy.

 

Overthinking: Definitely the major culprit of all things bad. I create scenarios in my head that lead to nothing but anxiety. I’m constantly stuck in a world of ‘what ifs’. It’s not easy to let go of this one but practicing a different approach to it has helped me a lot. Whenever I feel that wave of thoughts is getting uncontrollable, I stop, completely! I don’t think at all. I put on some music and start dancing or humming a tone.

 

I dwell on the past, too much: Forgive and forget – I preach but when it comes to practice, I don’t follow my own rule. ‘Why did he/she do it’ – the answer is simple: I don’t know and no matter how much I try to decode it in my head, the only one who can answer this question is the one it’s about. I refuse to let things go. I might say otherwise but I hold on to the past with my dear life. I can’t emphasize enough on —- Learn to let go. You can’t control what has already happened and you can’t control people; you did your best in the given circumstances but the outcome was unexpected. Learn to see the beauty of that, the beauty of unpredictability. It could go all right but it didn’t and now you’re in this sea of opportunities that can take you places you never ‘predicted’.

 

I demand an apology: Everyone who does me wrong in life, I demand an apology from them. Yes, you should practice that in good faith; if you have hurt someone, you should apologize but here’s the thing – apologies are not demanded, they are earned. It’s a very personal thing and it’s genuine only when it’s coming from the person who has realized their mistake not because of your demand. If you’re hurt because of someone and you would very much like them to apologize – don’t ask for it. It’s hard to live with the pain they caused you but when it comes from them without you asking, you feel much better.

 

It’s all about me: Guilty! Big time! I have done it to several people in the past. It’s always about my pain and how I was hurt and how they hurt me. It was never about why they did what they did. I’ve been terrible to people because I was hurt. People do bad things all the time and I’m not saying that you should let them take advantage of you but understanding someone’s reason helps you in the long run. Communicate, ask, understand.

 

It was my fault: I should’ve known. I was an idiot. How could I be so wrong about someone? How was I so stupid? Constantly blaming myself, giving birth to numerous insecurities. Just stop! I did what I felt was the best for me at that moment; there was no way for me to figure out the consequences.

 

Lack of patience: Need I say more? For anything in life whether it’s your dream job or dream man, you need patience. It’s always trial and error. You try, you fail, but, the only important thing is you learn your lesson and you move forward being patient. The day you lose patience, you lose everything.

 

Not learning from my mistakes: I have been in the same circumstances in life several times, all because I didn’t learn from my mistakes. I do the same thing every time expecting different results. Learn from your mistakes, that’s the only way you’re going to grow as a person.

 

Always remember that people can change and they do eventually but instincts stay within. Before these toxic traits become your instincts, identify them, change the outlook, that’s the only way to happiness. Think, reflect, believe.

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